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Journaling and memory

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been going through my old journals from high school. And today I read something that surprised me.

See, way back when I was 16, I had this brief flirtation-sort-of-thing going on with a guy in school. It never went any further than talking and goofing around, and the following year nothing came of it, but I'd always thought he was a pretty cool guy and continued to after.

I also felt kind of guilty. Since when, I don't remember. But as long as I can remember, I've had this idea that something I said to him, that was supposed to be an inside joke, came off the wrong way and offended him and that was when the flirting stopped. And that bothered me enough that every now and then I would remember it, even this many years later, and feel bad about it. (I've always had a bit of a paranoia about hurting people's feelings accidentally, which is why this particular thing stuck with me.)

So I was skimming through the entries around that time, and I got to the part when that offending thing happened... And I have no record of him being offended. In fact, I say that he smiled. And then the following day he was still goofing around with me, just as much if not more than before.

Isn't that weird? I have no clue where I got this idea that I'd done something wrong. Maybe he really did get the joke and it was all fine and then for some reason later I constructed this reasoning for why it all went nowhere. Maybe there was some reason to think he was offended and I only remembered it later.

It's a really odd feeling not being sure whether to trust the thing I've remembered for years, or the thing I wrote right after it happened.
Tags: life, looking back

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